Often in Zen practice I feel like I am shadow boxing my own mind. Which can be particularly challenging. It after all isn't really a fair fight. My mind has been paying attention to me for many years. Cataloging likes and dislikes temptations and things that drive me well ape feces throwing crazy. I on the other hand has just started paying attention to my mind. I am reminded of how fierce an opponent it is to battle with every time I sit sesshin. Which involves being still and trying to concentrate for 50 mins segments for at least 8 hours a day and then keeping the mind still through various other activities. As I watch it's zigs and zags and I feel like Ali except I'm never really sure the rope a dope is working.
I spent the week sending Metta or loving kindness to myself, friends, family members, to immune system reacting with allergies, to ex-employers and old girl friends. This involves sending energetic loving kindness or by focusing on phrases like May I/they be free from fear and anxiety. May I/they be at ease. May I/they be happy. So if any of you felt a sudden surge of good energy maybe it came from the depths of my quiet mind. It could also just be that caffeine hitting your system, but the Buddha did say that Karma was a tangled web.
So I spent the week sending loving messages and what does my mind do?? It sends me pain. Leg pain, back pain, nose pain, emotional pain, and maybe worst of all the pain of a coke commercial from a long time ago which I rewrote a bit.
o/` I'd like to teach the word to sit in perfect serenity o/`
But I know that my mind has good intentions. Like my immune system my mind is reacting to the pollen of my Buddha or enlightened nature. It is trying to protect me from something is not actually a threat. It is showing it's own loving kindness.
Pain is after all of at least two benefits to me. First it keeps me from catching on fire or at least staying on fire without my knowledge. Secondly it teaches me that I am growing little by little. As much as we romanticize growth and change it is very often painful. My pain physical, emotional, and spiritual represent the fact that I am pushing myself to my edges. While pain for the sake of pain is not the intended goal it can certainly be an indicator of progress.
I also discovered how critical my mind can truly be. We were asked to do metta for ourselves and others whenever criticism arose. I found that my mind is often generating critical thoughts. Though I don't believe the stories it tells me about others faults at least for the most part. I do wish that I could sustain a more loving attitude towards others and I know this critical voice isn't really helpful in that endeavor. So while I found myself doing A LOT of metta for others and for this critical voice. I also found it shortened the length of the criticism and increased the amount of compassion I felt for them in the moment.
The work I did this week has been hard but I am glad to have more tools in my practice kit. I think metta practice is a very interesting mix to add to our daily lives and I intend to put it to better use from now on. I particularly glad to have a specific antidote for those criticism that arise about other people.
So May you be free from fear and anxiety, may you be at peace, and may you be happy!
