Learning to Trust the self

To Trust the self is to trust someone who is kind and compassionate and wise.
Roshi told me that when we see these things in ourselves we trust ourselves.
I struggle with this. I wonder sometimes how long this will last.
This current focus of my life.
I want more than anything.
I want the practice to stick.

I have been practicing very hard for 6 months and this week the practice energy fell out from under me like a staged trap door. Since it felt so natural I said I would try to ease off for the week and see how it felt. I am sinking into a depression that I have felt coming for sometime. Doubt bubbling up in me. The  geological movements of habit energy in the tectonic plates of my past.

I know I must find a way to confront these forces and in some ways I'm glad they are showing themselves. Not just in some passing angst but in touching a truly deep place where I feel myself on the brink of vulnerable fears. When I struggle to share my heart I know it's because I am feeling wholeheartedly.

I hope to find the courage to stick this low spell out. I will try to remember my zealous self. My fanatic self who sat yaza and sat solid. I want to practice and I want to serve and I know that if I can see through this I will have confronted an old enemy not for the last but truly for the first time.

I hope to find a way to look at it without taking refuge without hiding. I made a vow to face myself and my fears in practice and now I have that chance. I feel grateful and yet worried at the same time. I hope I can see this through. It is my intention.

May the 3 jewels support me so that I may be of service.
Thank you for all who practice. For it is an expression of deepest faith.